Submit an Academic Petition or Appeal

Petition Letter: Trauma, psychological distress, disability registered with QSAS, and housing situation resulting in instability in mental health, encouraging thoughts and plans for suicide as opposed to continuing on living with full course load simultaneously in the current living circumstances I am in. I am very passionate about psychology and have relied on academic achievement as a reflection of my self-worth (as this was how worth and approval was measured in my family growing up). I am struggling with trauma and additional adverse experiences that have happened while I have been living independently in Kingston. I have been going through each day in autopilot while stuck in a dissociative state that I have not been able to return from since second year, second semester. My autopilot is no longer piloting anymore and I do not know what is happening, who I am, what is expected of me, what words are being said, or what I have done in the day unless I have a picture in my camera roll to cue some memories. I have not been able to come back into my body since the high crisis housing situation last year, and my current student housing situation is not better, I have not been able to recharge and come into my body - I am constantly on high alert and my brain and body is exhausted. I put academics on a pedestal and compensate my basic needs in order to meet deadlines and assignments - I do not regularly brush my teeth, shower, do laundry, get groceries, make meals, or eat consistently and have not since last year. It has gotten significantly worse this year and I do not desire more out of this life and was planning to leave my GPA in high standing and take my life, rather than continue living as is and watch my academics fall apart. I do not feel like my work is a reflection of me or even a fragment of who I am because I am not present in my body or in reality. I don't know what is happening unless it is written in my agenda and I have to refer to my agenda every 5 minutes because my brain does not retain what it sees and I forget what I am supposed to be doing (autopilot not piloting). I have not been able to process what has happened to me and what is happening each day and have not been able to recover from the numerous events that have triggered and proliferated my dissociative coping mechanism. I did not consider a reduced course load or time off from school as an option (instead of ending my life) because I have carried financial stress and the expectation to transition into the real-world the traditional way since I was a child. I am neurodivergent and have discovered the immense amount of masking I subconsciously do around people and even when I was growing up that I do not know who I am anymore or feel I can be myself in the house I am living in (Kingston) and the people I am surrounded by. I don't feel I fit in this world and how it was designed and thought the only option was for me to leave. I contacted my sister and she told me I don't have to do things the traditional way and it doesn't have to be continuing like this OR dying. She told me I could seek accommodations and that my family would understand, and for that reason I reached out for academic consideration and advice from Tara K., Dr. Norris, Sunday, and Student Wellness Services. I have dropped 3 courses (PSYC 351, PSYC 302, CLST 203) despite feeling hesitant about the financial penalty, but I know continuing as I was would only perpetuate my plans for arranging an alternative living situation for my dog, Percy, in order to take my life without leaving him stranded in Kingston without my family. Percy, is the reason I am still here. I had got him last summer in order to keep me stuck so I would be forced to enrol in courses for 3rd year, get my wisdom teeth surgery, work to save money, book my G drivers test, etc. Before I had him I could not see any future for myself and could not spend money on these things because my family could use this money when I would pass and it would not be wasted on groceries I do not eat, or superficial, materialistic items I have no interest in owning. Unfortunately, my mental health has not stabilized starting 2023 and I cannot continue enduring the psychological distress I am in and continue living in a world designed for neurotypicals, while simultaneously taking care of myself and seeking therapy and support. I dropped these courses with the intention of creating space for me to re-enter therapy with a trauma therapist, reevaluate medications, seek support, and find avenues in life that make me want to be alive. My situation has impacted my ability as a student: I do not feel anything I complete or put my name on is a reflection of my academic capabilities or (Sach)preet Grewal. I do not know what is happening, I don't know what is real, I don't feel I am in my body or I am myself. I cannot maintain conversations with other people, or have surface-level discussions because I am a mere fraction of who I was before my housing crisis last year sent me into the longest dissociative episode I have been in yet. I keep saying things will get better when I come back into my body but I have not felt that click of awareness that it is me, Sach Grewal, who is living in this body and who is walking to class, who is sitting in lectures, and who is not retaining a single sentence. I struggle with attendance in my classes, I cannot handle the bright white lights (sensory sensitivity), I cannot derive anything from lectures or labs without subtitles or transcripts (auditory processing difficulty), and I cannot concentrate in any environment. I cannot relax no matter how much I try, my mind is always racing, I constantly feel behind or that I am missing something but don't know what. My situation has proliferated my disability and is deteriorating any perception I had of myself. I do not wish to fall academically as that is all I have, and is the reason I considered prematurely ending my life on my accords than to continue walking in these shoes that don't fit me. I would like to seek therapy again and find a professional who can support my needs, but I know I cannot do this while simultaneously maintaining my high-standing academics, raising a puppy, living in a house on fire (figuratively), and taking care of my basic necessities (hygiene, eating, exercise, sleep). I was in psychotherapy this past summer which helped but resulted in constant nightmares and reliving traumatic experiences while awake. I hope to make peace with my trauma and create a plan for myself with the help of a trauma therapist to put an end to my chronic suicidality.