Submit an Academic Petition or Appeal

Petition Letter: Tibet Cem Gebes
October 30, 2019

Problems of Conscious Taming of the Self

It is often easier said than done. Usually, the sayer, isn¿¿t aware of the problems of what is being said, to be done. Because usually, that person is already capable of doing it, and it is easy enough for him, so why wouldn¿¿t the person being spoken to, also be able to do it. This generally sums up how I feel about things that require extended periods of focus and attention. Before it¿¿s too late, I need to mention I was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD at the age of 14. Since then, I am being told to take my medication every day. Ritalin after 5 pm, and Concerta when I wake up. I never liked to do that in high school, because it made me not want to eat even if I felt hungry. I was already skinny, so I just used the medication when I needed, around exam seasons.

In the first year of university, I was at BISC. I had my medication, didn¿¿t use it usually, nevertheless it was useful when exams were around. I kept my habituated schedule, the way it always was. The second year, I was baffled. Because BISC was relatively small, it wasn¿¿t just the medication that was working through the habits of the past. There were 130 people, profs were usually available, course-load was relatively easy. It was like a 5th-year high school. Nothing out of the ordinary really. When I came here the second year, I was suddenly dropped into a different dimension almost. As if I was a Canadian for my entire life, and suddenly I need to live in China and adapt to their momentum of life. The required momentum from me was the momentum of a well-adapted second-year student, who had been introduced to all kinds of trial-error learning about what this ¿¿university¿ is all about. I was living with 6 people, who are not in healthy situations individually either. Most of them were in a much darker and toxic place than I was, because they didn¿¿t realize how toxic their lives were, which is the most important part of getting out of the pit. There were 2 people actually, who realized their situation, but they were comfortable complaining about life, instead of trying to fix it. Although my ideal self is the person who¿¿s trying to fix these situations, that was only conceptual. Actively I was no different than them.
This was the first phase of the second year when I actively tried to fix my grades, without any medication. I thought, well, I guess it¿¿s time to be an adult now. I never left Stauffer the entire year by the way, but at first, I thought just being present in a library would fix the situation. More time passed, and even though I was getting things done, it was days and days late. For things I could¿¿ve gotten 80, I got 50. For things I could¿¿ve gotten a 50, I chose to focus on other assignments with deadlines already past. It was rough, so before it was too late, I tried to contact Student Wellness. I went to the walk-in clinic, thinking if I explain my situation, they would do a couple of tests on me, and I would be able to get my medication. Then I would release the workaholic inside me, and I would show it to myself, that I am capable of doing academic work. They told me they¿¿ll give me an appointment about a month after. I took the chance and missed it. Oh my god, the problem I am trying to fix, disabled me from being able to fix it, by not making it to the appointment. That was so shameful and embarrassing, to myself mostly, because I didn¿¿t realize my problem was this severe. When I was younger, these problems were negligible. As you get older, you start to diverge, and every quality of yours becomes magnified. If you were pessimistic as a kid, you were a nihilist as a young person, and maybe suicidal by the time you¿¿re an adult, is the way I choose to look at this disorder. Many months passed, and I made it to my first appointment, after 3-4 failed attempts. And every time, they only had time to put me in a slot 2 weeks after. I saw Tess, a very sweet lady eager to help. I thought finally, I will be able to get a prescription, but it turns out she was a therapist unable to prescribe anything. In this ¿¿China¿ dimension, I was lost last year. I didn¿¿t know how anything worked. At home, my parents took care of everything I asked for. They are not dissimilar to me actually, unless I bring up a certain problem, they are also clueless about what sorts of things I¿¿m living through. But if I mention anything, they take care of it with passion. I love them, and they love me, more than anything. But they are as clueless as me about what¿¿s going on in terms of how things work in other places such as university. Anyway, back on the subject. I saw Tess and I saw her once. I knew I was going to have to take care of this myself, but I still didn¿¿t know how deep in this pit I was. I am generally a happy, outgoing person. But this problem of taming myself collapsed me mentally in such ways, it was the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. Imagine if you are a billionaire one day, and in a progression of events you have to live through, you become homeless, in one semester. That was me every semester. And the same happened with less magnitude every day. Every day I woke up thinking today is the day, sleeping with tomorrow is the day. I really couldn¿¿t handle this, collapsing day to day. I love to live, but the only thing that kept me alive is how much I know other people value me. It would be so selfish of me to just press ¿¿Quit Game¿. I mean, it would be so easy to not be alive, you don¿¿t get to live any of the trauma, but you leave it all for other people. For so many people, the mundane daily life tasks were such big obstacles for me.

I nailed SAT Subject tests in the past, despite my disorder, I got the highest grades in my school. But I only now realize, there is no way, I could¿¿ve done any of that, without the help of the medication. I failed so many classes last year, it is actually traumatizing. Currently, I got Academic Probation that is unlikely to recover if I don¿¿t surpass myself like any other time, including the SAT times. On top of everything, our landlord wasn¿¿t the most responsible person. I got bedbugs right around midterms. I am generally disgusted by bugs, but this wasn¿¿t just a bug situation but more like a horror film. Paranoia of getting bitten by disgusting bugs every night disabled me to sleep more than 20 hours a week. It itches so bad it bleeds when you scratch. This situation went on from the beginning of February to the 29th of March when the second bug spraying happened. I think the landlord was not caring enough to take care of the situation fully. He bought a steamer and a repellent-kind spray which hadn¿¿t worked at all. Like that wasn¿¿t enough, I am an international student with increasingly poor parents due to inflation rates of the Turkish currency. In 2014, just around when I was in Canada to look for universities, 1 CAD was 2-2.2 TRY. Especially since last year, that rate has gone to fluctuate between 4-5 TRY. So, I know we can¿¿t afford for me to fail yet again. That¿¿s why I took 2 summer courses, so I could be less of a burden to my parents and also be more of an adult for myself. The first half of the summer wasn¿¿t great, and I was constantly anxious. I couldn¿¿t go out to meet my home-friends, nor could I study at home. I decided to come back to Canada, with my medication of course After I started taking medication, my Math grades got better, and I nailed my CISC121 with a B+. I felt like I actually can do it. It is such a feeling, to feel the opposite of my daily life, it is very hard for a lot of people to comprehend. Few times where days end with happy endings. Before the summer courses though, I went to see an academic advisor, I told her about what I want to do, I want to get into Cognitive Science program, but for that, I needed 2.6 GPA cumulative. She said that is impossible because you need 3.8 GPA to do that. I felt upset, I went to see Farhana, the Cognitive Science director. I told her about my situation, asked her what I would need, I definitely am not getting cumulative 2.6. That was out of the question, but maybe if I get a really good CISC grade (there were CISC finals right after our meeting). She told me to get in the exam and come back sometime, with my transcript. She would¿¿ve laughed at my face if I showed her my transcript, compared to my ambitions. Luckily, I got one of the pre-requisites for the COGS program done. The next part is 2.6. Later, I saw another academic advisor, and she was much better for my taste. She actually offered me paths instead of blocking them. I got the idea to write such a letter because of her. I told her about my situation, just like I did here. She said, ¿¿Why don¿¿t you write all this, you can get granted for academic consideration, and your last year wouldn¿¿t be a burden for you to move forward.¿ Of course, not knowing how things worked, I never even thought this was offered by the university. I thought once you failed, you were determined. The reason I am writing this right now, in October, is because I got to know myself from last year. If it wasn¿¿t urgent, or my punishment wasn¿¿t serious enough, it would be the hardest thing for me to convince the demon inside me that I should focus.
I asked my mother to send me the medication from Turkey via mail. I have done that at the end of last year, but it was of no use. Last year the time had passed, and what was once wet sand had turned into dry sand, and I was asked to build a sandcastle in 2 weeks. This time though, I asked my mother around September and the medication is still yet to come (It arrived around November). This is where I and my mother are similar, I guess. Anyway, I got confirmation from her yesterday, that it would be around 2-3 weeks for it to come, so around the end of November. I will struggle my way until November, after that, I have to slam the gas pedal to catch up to other people.
Most of my academic career at the university has been a tragic movie. One of those movies where the character¿¿s situation just keeps getting worse and worse, and eventually there is no happy ending. Just misery and tears. Very applicable to my scenario, unfortunately. I feel like I am doing my best, but it is so out of my conscious control. The patterns of neural firings, that eventually rise to my consciousness, are broken in such a way, it is not a matter of decision whether I can do some task or not, be organized, etc. It is as if there is a demon living inside me, trying to spoil my future self, and enjoys doing it. For the last two years, I¿¿ve only lost battles against him. But I have realized that I cannot grant this authority to my subconscious, because I would already accept defeat without starting the battle, making me weaker and weaker as I give more power to ¿¿that side¿ of me. I should think of it as, it is not someone else, it is me in some sense that sabotages myself. This only works temporarily though. No consciously decided motivation can persist for such a long time, it has to come from the intuition. Now all I have to do is, do my best, hope you accept my letter, and wait for my medication to arrive. Thank you for offering such a service.


Now that I have told you the circumstances, For Winter of 2019 (MATH111 being both terms) I want to request that CISC 102, CISC 121, MATH 111, PSYC 215, and STAT 263 be dropped and request Credit Standing in PHIL 250. I did not drop these courses by the Winter academic deadline of March 1 because I wanted to push myself knowing that maybe if there was no way out, my subconscious would forcefully rewire itself so that I become a disciplined person. Throughout high school this has worked for me, even for SAT and ACT tests, so I assumed it would be the same for last year as well. The problem is all mentioned above weren¿¿t conditions I had to go through back then, and I had my medication. Last year I thought, if the circumstances necessitated it, I might have more conscious control over my situation than I actually had. I managed to pass Philosophy because Metaphysics and Epistemology are two things to think about, I hold most dearly. Although, I could've done much better.