Petition Letter
Dear Associate Deans,
Starting this appeal, I would like to acknowledge the reasoning for my failure to submit an Academic Appeal for the 2018 and 2019 academic terms was due to the circumstance of misdiagnosed mental illness.
My name is Lorne (Laura) Di Nardo, I am a fifth-year Fine Art student currently finishing my Undergraduate Degree at Queen??s University. I am appealing the appearance of the failed courses on my transcript, as well as the correlating ramifications to my overall GPA. I do not feel they accurately represent my work ethic nor my true academic capabilities, as there were various circumstances that I personally believe inhibited my performance.
Expressing emotional dysregulation from an early age, as well as stemming from the proper hereditary disposition, I began seeking medical treatment diagnosed Bipolar-Disorder Type II. First introduced to me in early high school, mood-stabilizers and Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI antidepressants) were utilized in efforts to implement mental stability in my life. However, through trial and error these medications increasing began enabling more harm than benefit. Additionally, the effects of ceasing medication ??cold-turkey? style proved to be detrimental to both my mental and physical health. On March 30th, 2021, I received a diagnosis of Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and began the proper treatment plan.
Medical knowledge and societal understanding for assigned female at birth ADHD is surrounded by stigma and misunderstanding. With symptoms involving the belief of severely low-adequacy, sense of extremely overwhelming and rapidly shifting emotions (due to situational events), disregard for consequences and dangerous situations, poor communication skills, irrational anger, and hostility, the traits of a mood disorder are easily assumed to be present. These traits are also accompanied by the expected symptoms of ADHD/ADD including inattentiveness, impulsivity, disorganization, and avoidance of emotionally exhausting experiences due to feelings of low-self esteem. Simultaneously, these traits are also commonly affiliated with one being in depressive mental state. As someone who identifies as a Transgender-male, exhibiting symptoms of biologically female ADHD was easily perceived as showing symptoms of someone who has Bipolar-disorder, especially during adolescent development. As I grew older my abilities to deal with strong emotions and regulate thought process was neglected. In early childhood I convinced myself that the internalization of emotions was necessary to be successful in one??s own life, creating a stunt in the development of cognitive behavioral abilities and awareness that is necessary for success in adulthood.
My doctors understood my emotional dysregulation to self initiate sporadically, causing depressive and functional fluctuation in mood and capability. However, with their certainty solidifying my diagnosis, the true reality of my mental impairment was dismissed. Treatment focused attention and importance in regulating chemical imbalances through neurological intervention, rather than dissecting my cognitive ability to select, attend, and regulate personal emotional stimuli within my life. I began taking mood-disorder medication in 2015. Overwhelming thoughts and hyperactive emotions made communication difficult in acknowledging and vocalizing how I felt. This caused explanation for my mental processes and erratic behaviour to be deemed an impossible task, while simultaneously amplifying my feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, and inability to create real change within my life. Struggling to organize thought process, the understanding that my emotions were not in fact occurring at random - but rather amplified and hyper-fixated versions of what I was feeling, was not detectable. These feelings of deep self loathing initiated a rapid emotional cycling, in which I would attempt to succeed in academic pursuits, then shortly after fall short of expectation due to effects of improper medication (or undiagnosed ADHD). Resulting in deeper emotional distress, the increase, or rapid change of medication was utilized. This would end in personally taking myself off the medication to alleviate the emotional crisis corelated to medication and, with blind optimism, seeing improvements. Finally attempting to succeed academically again, my efforts would be cut-short, similarly to the un-diagnosed ADHD, and the cycle would begin once more. During my time at Queen??s University, I experienced the lowest states mental health I have ever endured due to the misdirection of my treatment and the inaccessibility towards a proper diagnosis. In desperation, my attempts of quitting medication abruptly intertwined with the physical effects of poor stress management. This brought on epileptic seizures and an unstable mental state during the Winter 2018 term, with the seizures being properly diagnosed later that year. The effects of withdrawal facilitated similar hostile and impulsive demeanors as ADHD, increasing the severity of my reactions to criticism, change, and overall ability to function in a tranquil state of mind. Having previously been on Sertraline and various other medications that did not work for three years, Lamotrigine was the main prescription that was given to me. With this specific mood stabilizer also being recognized for its anti-seizure properties, the dosages were increased or modified with every recorded convulsion. Each step I had taken to alleviate my own mental struggle unknowingly amplified these unidentified issues, while simultaneously creating additional emotional blockades in my attempts at recovering.
During the 2018 Queen??s Academic term, the mood stabilizer utilized at the time for prevention of depressive episodes was increased in dosage. This was to simultaneously aid in seizure relief and emotional regulation. The medication had manifested itself into intense dissociative episodes, bouts of extreme hostility, and irrational irritability into my daily life. Additionally, amplification of negative emotions due to the neglected ADHD caused me to experience several emotional crisis involving extreme anxiety and depression. After two years on the prescription, I had personified my mental instability through irrationally dangerous and impulsive behaviours. This also resulted in the development of many negative coping mechanisms. During my residency in Kingston, I have had to take numerous emergency visits to the hospital due to suicidal ideations as well as being high risk of self injury. The effects of mood-stabilizers and SSRI antidepressants on an individual who does not require them can have detrimental repercussions for said individual??s mental and physical well-being. In my personal case, the dissociative episodes created an inescapable downward spiral that worsened as my inability to decipher between imagination and reality grew stronger. I found myself in such an overwhelmed emotional state that fixations and intrusive thoughts of ending my own life became a stress response for avoiding feelings and deeply instilled beliefs of my inadequacy to simply exist. My personal self worth was closely linked to a self-induced facade of incompetence, further strengthening my avoidance for any task that was linked to criticism. Reflecting on the past, evidence of who I truly am are not present in the actions and lifestyle exhibited during this period in my life. Ability to be mindful and present within my personal life, not even considering academics, was an unrealistic expectation for myself at the time.
By Winter term 2019, I had successfully tapered off Lamotrigine properly, alleviating the major side effects of the medications while avoiding withdrawal-induced seizures. Still having stress-induced convulsions, I was able demonstrate an improvement in my academic achievements. Wishing to continue this improvement in stability, I began actively seeking psychiatric assistance through Queen??s health services for the underlying emotional distress that was still present in my life. In doing so I received a second bipolar disorder diagnosis and advised to investigate antidepressants as a possible treatment for overbearing emotions. I made personal refusal for anymore additional medications that year in fear of repeating the side effects of Lamotrigine again. The drastic range of grades between Winter 2019 term and Summer 2020 demonstrates the severity the impact of the medication had on my academic ability and overall quality of life. At this time, I still struggled with the ability to manage and distribute attention and effort equally amongst my course loads. I based the direction of my efforts off a hierarchical system established from personal interests. This is also easily identifiable in my unaffected ARTF courses, in which I still managed to academically thrive. Regardless of the grade, the drive to produce visual interpretations of experience originated from the necessity to still express internalized emotions, not to appease my Fine Art Professor or produce a good mark. Ontario Hall became the outlet for my release, - underlying struggles and poor communication skills resulted in creative visual experimentation that I believe is a major factor in my survival over these past years.
In the Summer 2020 term, I began showing the mental repercussions of isolation due to the COVID-19. During this time, I travelled to British Columbia to isolate during the pandemic with my girlfriend and her family. The effects of Government mandated lockdowns and social isolation initiated a massive mental breakdown that affected everything in my life, from academic performance to my relationships with loved ones. Without the ability to self gratify through feelings of accomplishment, and my additional usage of creativity being discontinued as a dependable coping mechanisms. My struggles in chemistry due to undiagnosed ADHD quickly snow-balled into a self-destructive emotional paralysis. Emotions of anxiety, depression, anger, self-loathing and hysterical sadness completed full cycles of ??feeling? within five-minute increments, leaving me exhausted after experience four hours of emotional ??flooding?. I would repeat lesson tutorials and re-read extra materials, only to find myself still lacking in understanding. Because I did not register the situation as something within my cognitive function lacking ability to absorb information, I ended studying sessions with surrendering abruptly to my anger and self-doubt due to low-frustration tolerance. I began seeking help again as I was impacting my relationships with others and was beginning to have suicidal ideations once again.
On August 24th, 2020, I was prescribed Lexapro. Similar Lamotrigine, Lexapro had negative effects in my cognitive ability to be present. Lacking ability to feel and register emotions, experiences of life were replaced with constant streams of anxiety. I can only describe these anxiety attacks as mental swarms of mosquitos in your head, each one screaming their own interpretations of fictive paranoias and negative misinterpretations about the intentions of everyone around you. I would convince myself these paranoias were real, believing those around me were better off without knowing me, or they were secretly conspiring on how much they disliked me. I have no ability to think clearly or rationally as I exhausted myself through the waking hours in deciphering what was reality and what was a projection of my own insecurities. Returning to Kingston in early November, this lifestyle continued un-interrupted until Winter 2021 term. February 28th, 2021, I had my most recent mental health crisis that resulted in visiting Emergency Services. Unfortunately, the care at Kingston General Hospital did not aid in my situation. During my 10-hour stay, the use of my preferred name and pronouns was disregarded entirely. I was left in a hallway in a hysterical emotional state for 9 of the 10 hours, where only one nurse checked-in on me. Evaluation from the hospital psychiatrist advised me to get some good sleep, as I was just a bit ??overly emotional? from not resting enough the previous night. Once prescribing me 40mg of Trazadone, the doctor walked away, ignoring my continued pleas for help. For a brief period, I gave up on my academics, I resented medical treatment and any intervention from a healthcare provider. I was neither alive nor dead, - nonetheless I was not present. This final experience pushed me to take my own health into my hands, leading to a proper diagnosis late March 2021.
ADDITIONAL INFORMATION SUBMITTED:
I would additionally like to request a Credit Standing Review for my grade in ARTH120 taken Fall/Winter 2017-2018. I do not believe this grade reflects my academic capabilities nor genuine passion for the subject. While I was attending my first year at Queen??s I was sexually assaulted early March 2018. The exam for ARTH120 was 3 weeks after. Simultaneously, I was also living with un-diagnosed epileptic seizures that initiated through mental and physical stress. This resulted in a series of seizures that continued to be deemed ??hormonal fainting spells? until Fall semester 2018. My overall grade and performance for ARTH120 reflects the hysterical mindset I was enduring at the time. I am waiting for Queen??s Health Services to send documentation of the counselling services I received in efforts to move past the events. I am currently in a much happier and stable place in life, as well as intense desire to continue my education to fullest extent. However, the consequences of my past actions have created obstacles in pursuits towards my future.
I am requesting the review of the final D Grade I received in ARTH120 Winter Semester 2018. I wish to appeal the necessity for my re-taking of ARTH120 for my enrollment in the Queen??s Bachelor of Fine Arts Honours program to be solidified. I am extremely confident in my knowledge in Art History and would like to pursue courses that are both new and more a-tuned with my current area of research.
Starting this appeal, I would like to acknowledge the reasoning for my failure to submit an Academic Appeal for the 2018 and 2019 academic terms was due to the circumstance of misdiagnosed mental illness.
My name is Lorne (Laura) Di Nardo, I am a fifth-year Fine Art student currently finishing my Undergraduate Degree at Queen??s University. I am appealing the appearance of the failed courses on my transcript, as well as the correlating ramifications to my overall GPA. I do not feel they accurately represent my work ethic nor my true academic capabilities, as there were various circumstances that I personally believe inhibited my performance.
Expressing emotional dysregulation from an early age, as well as stemming from the proper hereditary disposition, I began seeking medical treatment diagnosed Bipolar-Disorder Type II. First introduced to me in early high school, mood-stabilizers and Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI antidepressants) were utilized in efforts to implement mental stability in my life. However, through trial and error these medications increasing began enabling more harm than benefit. Additionally, the effects of ceasing medication ??cold-turkey? style proved to be detrimental to both my mental and physical health. On March 30th, 2021, I received a diagnosis of Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and began the proper treatment plan.
Medical knowledge and societal understanding for assigned female at birth ADHD is surrounded by stigma and misunderstanding. With symptoms involving the belief of severely low-adequacy, sense of extremely overwhelming and rapidly shifting emotions (due to situational events), disregard for consequences and dangerous situations, poor communication skills, irrational anger, and hostility, the traits of a mood disorder are easily assumed to be present. These traits are also accompanied by the expected symptoms of ADHD/ADD including inattentiveness, impulsivity, disorganization, and avoidance of emotionally exhausting experiences due to feelings of low-self esteem. Simultaneously, these traits are also commonly affiliated with one being in depressive mental state. As someone who identifies as a Transgender-male, exhibiting symptoms of biologically female ADHD was easily perceived as showing symptoms of someone who has Bipolar-disorder, especially during adolescent development. As I grew older my abilities to deal with strong emotions and regulate thought process was neglected. In early childhood I convinced myself that the internalization of emotions was necessary to be successful in one??s own life, creating a stunt in the development of cognitive behavioral abilities and awareness that is necessary for success in adulthood.
My doctors understood my emotional dysregulation to self initiate sporadically, causing depressive and functional fluctuation in mood and capability. However, with their certainty solidifying my diagnosis, the true reality of my mental impairment was dismissed. Treatment focused attention and importance in regulating chemical imbalances through neurological intervention, rather than dissecting my cognitive ability to select, attend, and regulate personal emotional stimuli within my life. I began taking mood-disorder medication in 2015. Overwhelming thoughts and hyperactive emotions made communication difficult in acknowledging and vocalizing how I felt. This caused explanation for my mental processes and erratic behaviour to be deemed an impossible task, while simultaneously amplifying my feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, and inability to create real change within my life. Struggling to organize thought process, the understanding that my emotions were not in fact occurring at random - but rather amplified and hyper-fixated versions of what I was feeling, was not detectable. These feelings of deep self loathing initiated a rapid emotional cycling, in which I would attempt to succeed in academic pursuits, then shortly after fall short of expectation due to effects of improper medication (or undiagnosed ADHD). Resulting in deeper emotional distress, the increase, or rapid change of medication was utilized. This would end in personally taking myself off the medication to alleviate the emotional crisis corelated to medication and, with blind optimism, seeing improvements. Finally attempting to succeed academically again, my efforts would be cut-short, similarly to the un-diagnosed ADHD, and the cycle would begin once more. During my time at Queen??s University, I experienced the lowest states mental health I have ever endured due to the misdirection of my treatment and the inaccessibility towards a proper diagnosis. In desperation, my attempts of quitting medication abruptly intertwined with the physical effects of poor stress management. This brought on epileptic seizures and an unstable mental state during the Winter 2018 term, with the seizures being properly diagnosed later that year. The effects of withdrawal facilitated similar hostile and impulsive demeanors as ADHD, increasing the severity of my reactions to criticism, change, and overall ability to function in a tranquil state of mind. Having previously been on Sertraline and various other medications that did not work for three years, Lamotrigine was the main prescription that was given to me. With this specific mood stabilizer also being recognized for its anti-seizure properties, the dosages were increased or modified with every recorded convulsion. Each step I had taken to alleviate my own mental struggle unknowingly amplified these unidentified issues, while simultaneously creating additional emotional blockades in my attempts at recovering.
During the 2018 Queen??s Academic term, the mood stabilizer utilized at the time for prevention of depressive episodes was increased in dosage. This was to simultaneously aid in seizure relief and emotional regulation. The medication had manifested itself into intense dissociative episodes, bouts of extreme hostility, and irrational irritability into my daily life. Additionally, amplification of negative emotions due to the neglected ADHD caused me to experience several emotional crisis involving extreme anxiety and depression. After two years on the prescription, I had personified my mental instability through irrationally dangerous and impulsive behaviours. This also resulted in the development of many negative coping mechanisms. During my residency in Kingston, I have had to take numerous emergency visits to the hospital due to suicidal ideations as well as being high risk of self injury. The effects of mood-stabilizers and SSRI antidepressants on an individual who does not require them can have detrimental repercussions for said individual??s mental and physical well-being. In my personal case, the dissociative episodes created an inescapable downward spiral that worsened as my inability to decipher between imagination and reality grew stronger. I found myself in such an overwhelmed emotional state that fixations and intrusive thoughts of ending my own life became a stress response for avoiding feelings and deeply instilled beliefs of my inadequacy to simply exist. My personal self worth was closely linked to a self-induced facade of incompetence, further strengthening my avoidance for any task that was linked to criticism. Reflecting on the past, evidence of who I truly am are not present in the actions and lifestyle exhibited during this period in my life. Ability to be mindful and present within my personal life, not even considering academics, was an unrealistic expectation for myself at the time.
By Winter term 2019, I had successfully tapered off Lamotrigine properly, alleviating the major side effects of the medications while avoiding withdrawal-induced seizures. Still having stress-induced convulsions, I was able demonstrate an improvement in my academic achievements. Wishing to continue this improvement in stability, I began actively seeking psychiatric assistance through Queen??s health services for the underlying emotional distress that was still present in my life. In doing so I received a second bipolar disorder diagnosis and advised to investigate antidepressants as a possible treatment for overbearing emotions. I made personal refusal for anymore additional medications that year in fear of repeating the side effects of Lamotrigine again. The drastic range of grades between Winter 2019 term and Summer 2020 demonstrates the severity the impact of the medication had on my academic ability and overall quality of life. At this time, I still struggled with the ability to manage and distribute attention and effort equally amongst my course loads. I based the direction of my efforts off a hierarchical system established from personal interests. This is also easily identifiable in my unaffected ARTF courses, in which I still managed to academically thrive. Regardless of the grade, the drive to produce visual interpretations of experience originated from the necessity to still express internalized emotions, not to appease my Fine Art Professor or produce a good mark. Ontario Hall became the outlet for my release, - underlying struggles and poor communication skills resulted in creative visual experimentation that I believe is a major factor in my survival over these past years.
In the Summer 2020 term, I began showing the mental repercussions of isolation due to the COVID-19. During this time, I travelled to British Columbia to isolate during the pandemic with my girlfriend and her family. The effects of Government mandated lockdowns and social isolation initiated a massive mental breakdown that affected everything in my life, from academic performance to my relationships with loved ones. Without the ability to self gratify through feelings of accomplishment, and my additional usage of creativity being discontinued as a dependable coping mechanisms. My struggles in chemistry due to undiagnosed ADHD quickly snow-balled into a self-destructive emotional paralysis. Emotions of anxiety, depression, anger, self-loathing and hysterical sadness completed full cycles of ??feeling? within five-minute increments, leaving me exhausted after experience four hours of emotional ??flooding?. I would repeat lesson tutorials and re-read extra materials, only to find myself still lacking in understanding. Because I did not register the situation as something within my cognitive function lacking ability to absorb information, I ended studying sessions with surrendering abruptly to my anger and self-doubt due to low-frustration tolerance. I began seeking help again as I was impacting my relationships with others and was beginning to have suicidal ideations once again.
On August 24th, 2020, I was prescribed Lexapro. Similar Lamotrigine, Lexapro had negative effects in my cognitive ability to be present. Lacking ability to feel and register emotions, experiences of life were replaced with constant streams of anxiety. I can only describe these anxiety attacks as mental swarms of mosquitos in your head, each one screaming their own interpretations of fictive paranoias and negative misinterpretations about the intentions of everyone around you. I would convince myself these paranoias were real, believing those around me were better off without knowing me, or they were secretly conspiring on how much they disliked me. I have no ability to think clearly or rationally as I exhausted myself through the waking hours in deciphering what was reality and what was a projection of my own insecurities. Returning to Kingston in early November, this lifestyle continued un-interrupted until Winter 2021 term. February 28th, 2021, I had my most recent mental health crisis that resulted in visiting Emergency Services. Unfortunately, the care at Kingston General Hospital did not aid in my situation. During my 10-hour stay, the use of my preferred name and pronouns was disregarded entirely. I was left in a hallway in a hysterical emotional state for 9 of the 10 hours, where only one nurse checked-in on me. Evaluation from the hospital psychiatrist advised me to get some good sleep, as I was just a bit ??overly emotional? from not resting enough the previous night. Once prescribing me 40mg of Trazadone, the doctor walked away, ignoring my continued pleas for help. For a brief period, I gave up on my academics, I resented medical treatment and any intervention from a healthcare provider. I was neither alive nor dead, - nonetheless I was not present. This final experience pushed me to take my own health into my hands, leading to a proper diagnosis late March 2021.
ADDITIONAL INFORMATION SUBMITTED:
I would additionally like to request a Credit Standing Review for my grade in ARTH120 taken Fall/Winter 2017-2018. I do not believe this grade reflects my academic capabilities nor genuine passion for the subject. While I was attending my first year at Queen??s I was sexually assaulted early March 2018. The exam for ARTH120 was 3 weeks after. Simultaneously, I was also living with un-diagnosed epileptic seizures that initiated through mental and physical stress. This resulted in a series of seizures that continued to be deemed ??hormonal fainting spells? until Fall semester 2018. My overall grade and performance for ARTH120 reflects the hysterical mindset I was enduring at the time. I am waiting for Queen??s Health Services to send documentation of the counselling services I received in efforts to move past the events. I am currently in a much happier and stable place in life, as well as intense desire to continue my education to fullest extent. However, the consequences of my past actions have created obstacles in pursuits towards my future.
I am requesting the review of the final D Grade I received in ARTH120 Winter Semester 2018. I wish to appeal the necessity for my re-taking of ARTH120 for my enrollment in the Queen??s Bachelor of Fine Arts Honours program to be solidified. I am extremely confident in my knowledge in Art History and would like to pursue courses that are both new and more a-tuned with my current area of research.