Submit an Academic Petition or Appeal

Petition Letter: Dear Dr. Johanne Bénard,

Hi, my name is Gabriel Jayakaran. I am in fourth-year economics at Queens. I am writing to appeal for credit standing in ECON 222 (F2016), ECON 232 (W2016), ECON 310 (W2016), ECON 322 (W2016), ECON 111 (S2014), MATH 121 (FW2014), PHYS 117 (FW2014), BIOL 102 (F2013) and to late drop ECON 440 (F2016), ECON 351 (W2016), ECON 280 (W2016), ECON 112 (W2016), ECON 222 (F2015), CHEM 112 (FW2014), without academic penalty. If I were to describe myself when I first came to queens and now it would be a downgrade. When I first came to the Queens for the first few months it was normal. I went to class; I had friends. I was happy. This changed when I learned what people who I thought were my friends were calling me behind my back. They would call me fish because of eczema that was on my face and neck. While I had eczema all my life I had never experience this. I was not able to handle this. I internalize it. I blamed the weather, the cold winds for making the eczema flairs prominent on my body. I blamed myself for not taking care of myself and allowing eczema to flair. I started isolating myself. I became ashamed to leave my dorm room. I hated how I looked. Because of isolating myself I was not able to attend a large portion of my classes and I started to do poorly in school. I started to hate myself for not doing well. I hated that I was unable to walk in public without feeling people were staring at my skin and all its imperfections. I hated that I was doing unwell and becoming a failure. By the time the second year came, I was depressed. My skin had not improved it had become worse. I was not eating properly. I was bombarded with voices telling me that I was a failure, disgusting to others and that I should kill myself. I would go to classes sporadically. I was not in the right mind. I hated myself. I wanted to die. The only reason I did not kill myself then was because at my parents church they taught if you killed yourself you went to hell. I believed I was a failure and I wanted it to end, but I did not want my parents to be ashamed of what I did and where I would end up. I resorted to self-harm when I truly believed I wanted to kill myself. I hated everything about me and allowed the voices in my head to dictate and control me. I felt I was a failure and I was drowning in quicksand. It felt it was easier to give up and die than fight. By the third year, I was completely depressed. There was no fight in me. I did not know why I was here. I did not know why I was alive. I would contemplate how to kill myself and make conditions if I failed to meet would result in me killing myself. I would fail to meet the conditions and then prepare everything to kill myself. Except I was ashamed of what others would think of my parents if I killed myself. I then would angry and hate myself for not being able to follow through and kill myself when I was a complete failure. The voices in my head were of no help and made me feel more hopeless. Mocking me when I was not able to kill myself. Calling me a failure when I did not do well on a test. Telling me that others were looking at me in disgust because of my skin condition. I was miserable. I did not want to do anything. I did not want to eat. I did not want to move. I wanted to sleep and die. I wanted to leave this world. During the end of the third year, I saw an email about mental health counseling. At this time, I did not know I was depressed or had anxiety. I thought I was the problem. I blamed myself for everything that I was going wrong. I wrestled with the idea that it was a mental problem. I did not want to believe that I was depressed. My mind was telling it was my fault and not due to mental issues. I finally made the call to mental health, but I was scared so I asked to just meet for an appointment. However due to them having to cancel on me and me backing out and not calling them back to reschedule another appointment. Later, I went to the doctor for back pain and when he started asking questions about me I opened telling how I was doing hoping that there was an easy cure. He talked to me about depression and recommend I go to mental health services in my university. I was scared, but I thought maybe they will tell me the plan to cure me. I met with Dr. Klein, in the beginning, where she introduced me to counseling services and Tess Grant in student accessibility services. In counseling services, I first saw Carol-Anne, but now I meet Meghan Stouffer Leuprecht. I also have met this year academic advisor Haley Everson, Dr. Duffy and Dr. McNevin from psychiatry. It was not easy in the beginning. I learned there was no easy solve. It was going to take time. It did not help that I started to blame myself for coming late to get help. The first few months were not easy. It did not seem like I was progressing. I felt that I was not in control and there was not anything I can do to change myself. I felt hopeless. At one point, I completely lost myself and had to admit myself to the hospital. I wanted to end my life. I felt I was wasting everyones time. I felt my life was head to a darker place than where I was at. I did not want to go down there. I wanted to end it all. I was unable to do my school work assignments and exams properly. The thought of the shame that I would bring to my family by killing myself started to dim. I was giving up on my life ever changing. After a racist incident where I was hopeless and not able to stand up for myself. I felt the pain of blaming myself for others actions from the first year all over again. I hated myself for allowing myself to become a victim again. I had truly given up and was ready to end it. I was ready to hang myself. There were no thoughts about shame, only about ending this suffering. Through divine intervention or coincidence, my mother called me. One of her relatives had shot himself. She talked to me about what the family was going through. She could not believe it happened. I never felt so much shame in my life until then. I was embarrassed at myself. I was embarrassed that I was not believing in myself and fighting to survive. I was embarrassed that I was not trying to live when so many people were helping. At this moment I am not cured, but I am working to get better. I am making plans so that I will not go back to the state that I was in the past. I am trying to push myself, fake it till you make it even it means being uncomfortable. I am continuing to follow up with Health Services and Counselling Services on a weekly basis to manage my condition. Also, I have been in regular contact with my Accessibility Services advisor and academic advisor regarding my accommodations and plan for next year. I now feel that if I am struggling I will reach out for help. I would not be here without the support I have gotten from everyone at queens. I am forever grateful and in debt to them.

Thank you for considering my appeal.

Sincerely,
Gabriel Jayakaran